March 3rd

In Mar 3rd 2010, I wrote - If there is any meaning and purpose in life, it's meaning and purpose shall be developing your sense of responsibility to your left and right, to your elder and your own.

In Mar 3rd 2011, I wrote - It is not about what has been done, nor what is left, it is about whether we try our best. It is not about we are able to get over our mind and soul, it is about whether we can sleep with our conscience every night.  Be ignorant, of course, one will be happier. To understand, one shall be wiser. Englightenment brought great wisdom.  To get there, be patient!

In Mar 3rd 2012, I write you this blog.

After a month in peace, life seems to calm and getting back to normal. It is a strange thing when nothing is the best thing in life.

At first, I thought 2011 was the most difficult year for me after so many things had happened.  The story has to go back to Mar 2010.  I took a huge decision in Mar 2010 to leave my corporate job of 13 years to in search of my biggest dream since 8 year old.  When I was 8, I read an article regarding this place named Tierra del Fuego ( Mandarin translated as The Island of Fire).  The land of fire indeed as it is the Indian language.  It stays in my mind for 28 years like an old romance that refuses to go away.  It has been my dream to visit this very tips of the world where Ushuaia sits.  Ushuaia is named The End of The World as it is the southern most city at the Southern Hemisphere.

So bought my ticket, left my job, packed my bag and there I went for 3 months in South America.  It was the best time in my life for 3 months, the best. Well, while South America is another story.  I came home, feeling great, continuous my travel to Thailand and Indonesia.  When the 12 months were up, I start to look for a job as it has always been the plan.  That is when all the good time is over.

In Mar 2011, I got a new job and went back to work. Mom fell for the 1st time. We, the family, didn't think much other than she is getting old. Went home in May.  Then she fell the 2nd time, went home in July.  When she fell the 3rd time, alarm rang.  She was admitted to the hospital.  As usual, she was grumbling and wanted to go home.  Went home, admitted to hospital again after a week. That is when all hell break loose.  I went home to be with her, almost spent all my time in the hospital with her.  She was weak, but did not seem like the end yet.  In the same time, my job for 7th month started to become really difficult as multiple issues surfaced.  More over, a superior who is not much compassionate about my situation regarding family definitely not helping and situation worses.

After Mom discharged from the hospital for the 2nd time after a month long in there, I went back to work, well, to resign and serve the rest of my notice. That was November.  As I always believe, when the job is not working out, it is better to leave than to feel sorry.

Well, little that I know, I sure didn't see what 2012 has it coming. Jan 6 2012, I was quite down to almost a depression as my boss was really giving me a hard time and the notice period is 3 months. I got a call from my eldest sister at 8.35pm.  She told me Mom is gone!  In shock, that is the first.  Then, everything seems to untight itself.  Why that?  Well, Mom is the bond to everything and everything. I went home, sort out things.  When I came back to serve the rest of the notice, I was shown the worst side of a human being I ever seen in my life in my boss, in his action and in his mind.  I would say I shall never want to meet  such "ugly" human nature like that in my life again.  That was the double hit as the action he took with the sorrow already eating me inside.

I was lucky to have a friend who is supportive and wise.  For the whole February after, it was recuperation.  I never have such a bad time in my life.  I keep telling myself, relax, it is something I must go through in life.  I told myself many times that I could get through this, I am strong enough. I tell myself not to do anything, just eat, sleep, read and yoga. My friend told me - you don't need the job, you just don't do anything for at least 3 months, let things go natural. The emotion will come and go, but it feels good to just let the emotion out. I cried, I empty my mind, I sleep and I keep quite. 

I guess it does work as I feel much better after a month.  I try out some new things.  I look forward for the next 2 months.  But the bond is gone, the bond is gone and it will never come back! It felt like the whole direction I was living my life to, is lifted up, pull out with root, gone in the air.  It will take me some time, or more time, to figure out the next course of life I shall direct myself into.  It will take some time, but I know I shall be fine now.